InSeine - Cleaning Up for the Olympics

Remember the summer of 2014? In Glasgow it was glorious weather, the sun beating down on the city as it hosted the Commonwealth games. It was a boon for Glaswegians as we got to show off how nice we could be, and that yes, the sun is always shining. Remember how there were dancing tea cakes at the opening ceremony and a giant thistle roaming the streets as the mascot? Remember how the swimming events all took place in the River Clyde? 

The swimming events did not take place in the Clyde. That would have been a bad idea. One that would have ended up with athletes climbing out of the water wearing shopping trolleys as jewellery, or worse. In 2022, a study into the levels of pharmaceutical​s in rivers found the Clyde to be the most polluted in the UK. While there are longstanding efforts to clean up the Clyde, it’s best to keep the competitors out of it. 

The Clyde is a lot like its French sister, the Seine in this respect; not only is it on the banks of an historic city full of people having affairs, it’s also not fit for people to swim in with their mouth, ears or any orifice open. So when the organisers of the 2024 Paris Olympics announced plans to host not only swimming events but the opening ceremony on the Seine, many were sceptical. 

The romantic idea is sound. The spectacle of flotillas of athletes making their way down the river as the world looks on in wonder is lovely. Think of the visuals - it would be stunning to see. Then, the events themselves - what better place for the swimmers at the Paris Olympics to get their lengths in than the Seine? As they take that small, anxious-looking breath out of the side of their mouth, they can briefly view Notre-Dame, then the other side, then the Louvre and so on. 

Where this falls down is the reality of what this river has had flowing into it for many hundreds of years. I don't mean the tears of the French aristocracy. I mean the other thing. So much so that, according to the BBC, “by the 1970s, the Seine downstream of Paris was considered ecologically dead. At the time, more than half of Paris' wastewater was discharged into the Seine without treatment, and the fish had disappeared from the river”. If fish, who are notoriously not fussy, don't want to set up camp in your river, why would Adam Peaty?

The plan to clean up the river is admirable and organisers hope that in doing so, a clean Seine will be part of the games’ legacy. But with weeks to go and the river still failing water quality tests, its success seems doubtful.

However, this is also political; after all, dear, this is France. More than €1.4bn (£1.2bn) has been spent on the cleanup and locals feel that is a waste of money, so in protest they had planned to poop in the river on the same day Paris mayor Anne Hidalgo would swim in it to prove the water was clean enough for athletes. God bless the French. She has since delayed the dip until after the French elections, for reasons of dignity, I assume. President Emmanuel Macron also said he would take the plunge but has yet to settle on a date for some reason.

As a protest goes, it’s dirty. The much loved musical of French rebellion, Les Misérables, would not have captured the hearts of audiences if instead of belting the rallying words “do you hear the people sing?”, lyricist Claude-Michel had written “Christ, do you see what the people are doing in the Seine?”

I hope it works out for them. The 2012 Olympics were much criticised ahead of the first starting gun and 15 minutes into the opening ceremony everyone had decided it was going to be alright. If only it didn't take the eyes of the world, but the eyes of Parisians to clean up their historic rivière.