Why We Should Ban Cats In Scotland

Written by A. Hound

Reading my copy of Monday’s Daily Record that the neighbour kindly collects and leaves on his doorstep for me, I was happy to see that the Scottish Government were on the cusp from imposing a complete ban of cats in Scotland.

Finally, someone was listening to me and mammals like me. We have been howling for years about how cats are a scourge on society, are needlessly tolerated and are really not very nice, actually. This new legislation would have finally put an end to the torment we’ve been suffering at the paws of these ferocious felines.

Or it would have, if the First Minister had not categorically ruled it out within hours of the story barking, breaking! Sorry. However, I am here to explain why I believe we should ban cats in Scotland.

Firstly, as someone who has a flat share with a cat, it’s not fun. Cat gets to pee indoors; why Cat gets this privilege, I do not understand. When I did this I was told off by the tall one and we had to get a new rug, even though the rug was really nice and I liked it a lot.

It’s worth pointing out, Cat doesn't use the white bowl to pee in. Cat gets its own box for going in and I’m expected to go outside and do my business in the street like an animal.

Cat is antisocial. I like being around people all the time. Literally, I love it; people are my favourite and that is something I think people, like me, like about me. Cat can go hours, sometimes minutes being in another room on their own. How is this possible? How do you know if the tall one even loves you anymore? Cat’s ability to be alone and not need constant validation is disturbing and untrustworthy.

This pro-cat bias is especially evident in the quality of treats and food they receive compared to others. Cat’s food looks and smells different and is really much nicer. I've never been allowed to try it, but it must be better because Cat gets it. The one time I attempted to sample cat food, it violently attacked me. The tall one called what Cat did a ‘boop’ on my nose, but in my opinion, that vastly underplays my experience.

We would save so much money if we banned cats because we give them free recreational drugs. Others in society are penalised for such pursuits, yet they are given the illicit substance known as ‘catnip’ in abundance. Street name ‘nip’, this drug causes Cat to roll around and lose complete control of their senses. We would never give dogs a drug for fun, would we? How would we even give it to them? What would it be called? Would it be tasty? I bet it would be tasty.

It may sound radical, but it’s time. As a nation we’ve been living with cats for nearly a week now and enough is enough. I’m sad that this ban is not going ahead; we could have been free to sit on the couch again, to have the full attention of the tall one and not live in fear of a heartless ‘boop on the nose’.