What I'm Leaving In 2019
I think I’ll enjoy 2019 more in retrospect. It’s been a year that has seen real peaks and troughs and I’ve grown In ways I didn’t know I could, and in ways I didn't want to have to, but we don’t always get to choose what happens, so when we do we should make choices that better ourselves, help ourselves and those closest to us.
Being Mean To Myself
I do a lot of self deprecation and most of it is done for a laugh or to break tension and that's mostly fine, but in wine is truth so is truth in comedy. I'm going to try and stop putting the knife in myself as much. I don’t imagine It’ll end suddenly as I do it inadvertently, without thinking. LIke some kind of self-hating muscle memory. I don’t hate myself but I could do with being a bit nicer.
Food Guilt
I’m no Twink, I came to terms with that at a young age, when I was old enough to learn what ‘Twink’ was, I had already passed any hope of it being something applicable to me. I go to the gym and I’m getting fitter and feeling better about myself but I regularly feel guilty for eating something I enjoy and I really shouldn’t, no one should. It takes the enjoyment out of it in the first place. So, less of the pain for the things I enjoy. Moderation is key, but don’t feel bad.
Professional Imposter Syndrome
I’ve grown a lot in the last 12 months, particularly professionally but I feel imposter syndrome quite a lot, often triggered by things that, objectively, have no bearing on whether or not I was good at my job or if the work I was doing ended up being any good. I know that this particular self-belief issue isn’t rational but taking a step back and being proud of what I do and of myself for doing it sounds like a plan.
Feeling Sorry For Myself
There are a lot of things going on in my life, in everyone's life, and I’m all for sitting in your emotions every now and again to process, that can be helpful in moving forward. But I’m going to be proactive in how I feel, to make myself feel better, communicate how I feel to others and not wallow for the sake of it because I don’t know what else to do. Enough of that.
Not Having Time To Read
At home, under my bed, is a green plastic crate. It's about half a foot deep, half a meter square and was designed to carry loose potatoes from a van into a kitchen somewhere. It is full of books. Books I have bought or been gifted that I have yet to read. I used to read a lot, but in the last few years I somehow decided that I no longer had time and stopped. No more of that, I’m committing to books.
Here’s to a kind, well fed, professional, happy and well read 2020
It can be hard to say goodbye to something that has meant a great deal to you across your life.